I just sat down to edit a few photo shoots from this week. I logged into Facebook, and noticed a friend had posted the following John Mayer lyric as his facebook status:
“I believe,
that my life’s gonna see,
the love I give,
returned to me.”
– John Mayer, “Wheel”
This instantly put me in the mood for some John Mayer. One of the first things I always notice when I listen to Mayer’s better stuff, is how heartfelt his art is. This man is coming from a deep place in his heart. Love and longing inform so much of his craft.
Should it be any other way? Isn’t that the essence of art – transmuting a deep heart feeling into another medium, so that others can know that they aren’t alone in feeling that way?
Shouldn’t my art come from the depths of my heart?
Here is my problem….
I love to love. I absolutely adore women. I love to love them. It is my NATURE to do it. I am drawn to the feminine more deeply than I can explain.
I am a man of many loves…
I also feel music deep in my bones. I have to make it. Performing music makes me feel amazing in ways that nothing else can. It’s often better than sex.
And then there’s photography. I have visions. I have things to say that can only be spoken through the eyes. We are visual creatures, and I am the king of that jungle. [wow, that sounded so grandiose… but it’s the first thing that came out, and I seldom edit anything I write on this blog… so, I will leave it. Just had to give a nod to slightly delayed self awareness. ]
I am not going to bore you with the gory details right now; it will suffice to say that I know my calling in life right now is to develop my photographic and musical talents as much as possible, and go as big as possible with them. I have a feeling that my life is going to be quite different 3 or 4 years from now, than it is today. I have a feeling that the intervening time will be full of hustle, bustle, excitement, eustress, focus, and evolution. None of these things states of being strike me as being particularly condusive to being in a relationship.
I feel like that in order to maintain integrity to my path, I need to stay single. I am afraid that dating someone will cause me to get distracted. I am afraid that it will dilute my already miniscule free time to work on my projects.
I am afraid that being in a relationship will stagnate me. I want to achieve the full measure of my talents more than I want to be in a relationship, that I am clear about. I’ve been married. I have fallen completely in love. I’ve been loved. I know what those things are like, and they are absolutely splendid.
I don’t know what it’s like to play to a crowd of 5,000 people. I don’t know what its like to spend 3 months traveling from city to city, playing music that I’m passionate about. I don’t know what it’s like to fly to the Cayman Islands to shoot a bikini spread for a major magazine. I don’t know what it’s like to work in LA on Monday and Tuesday, NYC Wednesday and Thursday, and to go home to SLC on Friday. I don’t know what it’s like to see one of my photographs on the cover of a major magazine on news stands. I don’t know what it’s like to get invited to parties with celebrities and rock stars, because they are my co workers, clients, and friends. I don’t know what it’s like to make a living doing the things that bring me bliss.
YET.
In the mean time…. do I keep my heart packed away in a moving crate?
Will I even be able to create my best work if I do that?
Will letting myself love and be loved along the way help me as an artist?
Can I dabble in love without getting distracted?
Is it even possible to “dabble” in love?
I have love, of sorts, in my life. I have wonderful friends. I have my kids.
…but I always go to bed alone….
……..and I wonder how healthy THAT is, for this artist’s heart.
